i am fearful | 5465zen's Blog

14feb, 15feb, 16feb, 17feb... these are the four days i will have to spend 24 hours with him. how am i going to face these 4 days. a short holiday he said. holidays always means more shouting, more anger, more wrath from him. holidays mean unhappy days. holidays mean tearful days and trying hard to choke back tears during meal times. i have said at the beginning of this year i will be strong. i have said every day is going to be a happy day. but the day he declared we will be going for a short holiday, all my inspiration collapsed. my inner strength is so fragile! every morning i wake is one day nearer to 14feb. so i need my cigarettes to calm me down. i was reducing the number of sticks from 16, working my way through the past months to 6. now i am doing 10. i hated them, but i need them so badly now. why must i go for that holiday. why cant he go by himself. oh, he needs my company. hahaa... and he cant go with friends, because he has none. how am i going to be composed and collected without my cigarettes. i'll be crying and needing them.

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i am fearful, posted January 23rd, 2013

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